Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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