i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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