its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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