Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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