I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
