there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
