the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
