I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
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I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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