need another drink. this is the easiest way
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize