I am puke
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
