I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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