I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
