According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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