He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
