The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
