the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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