wrigley field is MILF paradise
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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