He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
