dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
