You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
