Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
