but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
