I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
