genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
