Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
even my farts smell like vagina
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
