Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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