i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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