Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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