your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
