Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
