The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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