i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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