the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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