I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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