It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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