I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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