She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's shark week go big or go home
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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