I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
