So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
