oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
