I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
