No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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