our cab driver is having phone sex.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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