this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
