i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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