oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
