I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
