in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
