i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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