so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
