I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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