i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
