I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
