I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
