The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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