Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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