I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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