so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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