She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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