Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
