Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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