i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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